So, I guess I’d like it to start with a late rise – like maybe leven, twelve o’clock, if the fuckin birds or the dude with the – Jesus, this fuckin dude, lives across the way, an he’s got one of these like vintage army jeeps that just tears the fuck right through your sleep, engine like a fuckdamn Spitfire or something, every Sunday morning, eight am, motherfucker can’t even… but, yeah, if we’re talking ideal, then leven, twelve o’clock an nothing to get up for, so I’ll just lie awake there an enjoy the mornin an maybe after a while have a good deep scratch at my asshole – so I got like this slight haemmer- heammheroi- I got this piles things is what I’m sayin, an it gets real itchy back there, an of course I’m not always that partickular or refined or dainty bout cuttin my nails, so I can be clawin up a storm down there, an of course that’s gonna lead to some blood – it’s just gonna, there ain’t no way of gettin shy of that fact – but the upside is, the bits with blood, they’re gonna scab over just so, an you can spend a good twenny-five, half-hour, even forty minutes just probin around down there with your pinkie nail, lightly scrapin over an lettin it catch on that crusted little ridge an just gettin in there, leverin it up, like when you were a kid and you got them scab-covered knees and you spent whole afternoons just testin an proddin an seein if they were ready to come up, yaknow? I’m not ashamed to say I’m a little nostalgic, is what I’m sayin. I got what you might call a wholesome fondness for the good old days.
An after that, I might eventually get up, have a really long dump – oh fuck, but I forgot bout my mother! Sunday mornins she goes to church, an of course she ain’t allowed to drive herself no more, she’s been off the roads for a good twenny, thirty years now, so there’s me, up at the crack of dawn, haulin my scratchy ass outta bed to drive over to the home, pick her up, drive her to church, drop her off, go hang at the bar round the corner with my friend Howie who’s just dropped off his mother, or his kids, I don’t know, but that only lasts an hour before it’s back to the church to pick up mom – and of course I’m sposed to be drivin, so it’s not like me an Howie can even get a load on, just two or three quick boilermakers, maybe four if we’re lucky – an then drivin her back to the home and it’s just bitch, bitch, bitch all the way, about any damn thing – it’s always ‘the jews’ or ‘the blacks’ or the ‘the lezbos’ or ‘the faggots’. I mean she’s my mum an everythin but jeez, y’know?
And so then I drop her off an get to do my own thing – an I know, I know, the question was ‘ideal’ an I gotta acknowledge it sounds far from ideal, but she’s my mother, yaknow? I can’t just hang her out to dry, I gotta keep that part of the routine goin’, y’understan? Which, I gotta say, is worth bearin in mind, by an by – somethin you gotta know about me’s that I know a man’s just gotta love his mother. But then afterward, after I’m done with her, I guess just… head out someplace sunny, unbutton my shirt, let my gut hang out an just chill, y’know? I mean I’m by no means a handsome man – I ain’t got no qualms bout tellin you that – but I’m the sorta guy that when folks see me enjoyin my sun, enjoyin myself, sunnin my body, folks’ll look at me an think, ‘see, there’s a methodology of livin I can fully get behind’, yaknow? I appreciate the finer things in life: a hot sun, a cold beer – a cooler of cold beer, if we’re talkin truthful to one another – an just wilin away the time. Livin life.
An then maybe, when it gets a little cooler in the nighttime, we could go back indoors an really get to know each other, know what I’m sayin? Well, course you do – you wouldn’t be lookin here if you wasn’t. We’re all in it together, baby, all lookin for the same thing – just some sweet lovin an a little companionship, gettin sweaty on a hot summer’s night an not lettin it bother you none if the neighbours hear – they’re just jealous. Hell, sometimes give em a little wolf-howl, let em know what it is they’re missin!
So yup, that’s me, an if you wanna call or get together or whatever, or tell me bout your ideal Sunday, then I guess you can call me or – it’s the swipe thing now, right? You gotta do the swipe thing? So then I guess just call me or swipe me left or right or whatever an I guess I’ll just be sittin here, lookin forward to hearin from you soon!