Fredictions

Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie, and welcome to my new weekly feature, Fredictions, where I’ll-

Wait, you’re calling it Fredictions?

Yes.

I don’t-

It’s a pun on my name.

Yeah, I-

Fred.

Yes, Fred, I kn-

And on the word predict-

I get it, Freddie. I do. I just think-

What? It’s a great name. It gets across that I’ll be offering visions of the future, and also that my name-

I said I get it, Freddie. I just think… I don’t know, I just think it sounds sorta stupid.

I think you maybe don’t understa-

Like maybe you’ve got a rash or something.

Like maybe I- it’s not Fred Itching!

Sounds like it.

It sounds nothing like it!

Sounds pretty close.

… It sounds-

Sounds like Fred-itchin’s.

But itchin’ doesn’t have the ‘ick’ sound.

As in… like, icky? Because it d-

No, I mean like – FredICtions. Like… to rhyme with ‘friction’. Or, y’know, pred-

Friction also sounds itchy.

-iction.

… like, if you have a rash, it could be caused by fric-

Look, I’m calling it Fredictions. I don’t even know why I’m debating this with you. It’s my show.

Yeah, but as your producer, it’s my job to make sure-

And my wife!

– you don’t sound stupid. I’m your producer first here, Freddie. Try to forget I’m your wife when we’re in this room. I am a professional.

… been trying to forget that for twen-

I beg your pardon?

I just… I think your using the word ‘stupid’ is needlessly harsh.

Twenty years of marriage will do that, Freddie. Smoothes out a lot of the rough edges in the way we communicate. Ok? You ready to go?

Fine. Don’t we have to, like, reset the tape or something?

No, I can just cut this part out. Also we don’t use tapes any more.

I-

You can just start from the top.

Right. Fine. Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie-

Although maybe with less of the attitude?

Because that first part won’t be on the tape? So people won’t get why you’re being so pissy?

… I-

Unless they think you’re pissy about having been lumbered with such a stupid-sounding name for a show, because obviously you wouldn’t have chosen it for yourself because it’s so stupid-sounding.

… Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie, and welcome to my new weekly feature, Fredic-

It also sounds like erections.

-tions- what?

Fredictions. Also sounds like erections.

No it-

Sorta.

It doesn’t even-

It has that ‘ick’ sound.

If anything it’s more of an ‘eck’-

Like in friction.

Friction doesn’t-

Like, if you combined ‘friction’ and ‘erection’, you’d get ‘efrection’, which sounds almost exactly like Fredictions.

I-

Especially with the ‘dick’ sound in the middle of it.

Look, can we just record the thing? I thought it was a nice fun name – we can come back and workshop this later, but I’d just like to get the ball rolling.

Ok, fine.

Ok?

Did I just say ok?

Yeah but you said it with this sorta pissy att-

Look, do you want to do the thing or not?

I do… I just… just give me a sec-

Take all the time you need.

Fine. Ok. I mean, thanks. Thank you. … I’m-

Having the ‘dick’ sound in there doesn’t help with the erection thing.

Oh for Christ-

In FreDICKtions.

But-

And also, now you mention it-

I didn’t men-

– you can also sometimes get erections as a result off of friction, so you probably don’t want-

I know how erections work, Karen!

… coulda fooled me.

I- Oh really, this? Now?

I-

While we’re recording?

I just-

You want to bring this up now, while we’re recording? While we’re on the air?

… we’re not act-

I KNOW WE’RE NOT ACTUALLY ON THE AIR, KAREN. I don’t know if you, as a professional, have heard of this thing, in broadcasting, that we use, which is called, and is actually also used in everyday talking to each other, a figure of sp-

Well actually-

-eech- what?

About the thing about not being on air-

Christ, seriously? We’ve been on air the whole time??

Well, no-

Oh thank God.

– I mean I think it’s called ‘streaming’ nowadays.

OH, FOR CHRI- That’s it. I’m done. I can’t-

I mean, honestly, you’d think you would’ve seen this coming.

I’m done, Karen. I don’t w- just go ahead and… what, whatever, I don’t care anymore. I’m done.

… You’ve been listening to Fredictions with your host, Fred Forsythe. The producer was me, Karen Nostrodamus. Seen you next week!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s