Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie, and welcome to my new weekly feature, Fredictions, where I’ll-

Wait, you’re calling it Fredictions?


I don’t-

It’s a pun on my name.

Yeah, I-


Yes, Fred, I kn-

And on the word predict-

I get it, Freddie. I do. I just think-

What? It’s a great name. It gets across that I’ll be offering visions of the future, and also that my name-

I said I get it, Freddie. I just think… I don’t know, I just think it sounds sorta stupid.

I think you maybe don’t understa-

Like maybe you’ve got a rash or something.

Like maybe I- it’s not Fred Itching!

Sounds like it.

It sounds nothing like it!

Sounds pretty close.

… It sounds-

Sounds like Fred-itchin’s.

But itchin’ doesn’t have the ‘ick’ sound.

As in… like, icky? Because it d-

No, I mean like – FredICtions. Like… to rhyme with ‘friction’. Or, y’know, pred-

Friction also sounds itchy.


… like, if you have a rash, it could be caused by fric-

Look, I’m calling it Fredictions. I don’t even know why I’m debating this with you. It’s my show.

Yeah, but as your producer, it’s my job to make sure-

And my wife!

– you don’t sound stupid. I’m your producer first here, Freddie. Try to forget I’m your wife when we’re in this room. I am a professional.

… been trying to forget that for twen-

I beg your pardon?

I just… I think your using the word ‘stupid’ is needlessly harsh.

Twenty years of marriage will do that, Freddie. Smoothes out a lot of the rough edges in the way we communicate. Ok? You ready to go?

Fine. Don’t we have to, like, reset the tape or something?

No, I can just cut this part out. Also we don’t use tapes any more.


You can just start from the top.

Right. Fine. Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie-

Although maybe with less of the attitude?

Because that first part won’t be on the tape? So people won’t get why you’re being so pissy?

… I-

Unless they think you’re pissy about having been lumbered with such a stupid-sounding name for a show, because obviously you wouldn’t have chosen it for yourself because it’s so stupid-sounding.

… Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie, and welcome to my new weekly feature, Fredic-

It also sounds like erections.

-tions- what?

Fredictions. Also sounds like erections.

No it-


It doesn’t even-

It has that ‘ick’ sound.

If anything it’s more of an ‘eck’-

Like in friction.

Friction doesn’t-

Like, if you combined ‘friction’ and ‘erection’, you’d get ‘efrection’, which sounds almost exactly like Fredictions.


Especially with the ‘dick’ sound in the middle of it.

Look, can we just record the thing? I thought it was a nice fun name – we can come back and workshop this later, but I’d just like to get the ball rolling.

Ok, fine.


Did I just say ok?

Yeah but you said it with this sorta pissy att-

Look, do you want to do the thing or not?

I do… I just… just give me a sec-

Take all the time you need.

Fine. Ok. I mean, thanks. Thank you. … I’m-

Having the ‘dick’ sound in there doesn’t help with the erection thing.

Oh for Christ-

In FreDICKtions.


And also, now you mention it-

I didn’t men-

– you can also sometimes get erections as a result off of friction, so you probably don’t want-

I know how erections work, Karen!

… coulda fooled me.

I- Oh really, this? Now?


While we’re recording?

I just-

You want to bring this up now, while we’re recording? While we’re on the air?

… we’re not act-

I KNOW WE’RE NOT ACTUALLY ON THE AIR, KAREN. I don’t know if you, as a professional, have heard of this thing, in broadcasting, that we use, which is called, and is actually also used in everyday talking to each other, a figure of sp-

Well actually-

-eech- what?

About the thing about not being on air-

Christ, seriously? We’ve been on air the whole time??

Well, no-

Oh thank God.

– I mean I think it’s called ‘streaming’ nowadays.

OH, FOR CHRI- That’s it. I’m done. I can’t-

I mean, honestly, you’d think you would’ve seen this coming.

I’m done, Karen. I don’t w- just go ahead and… what, whatever, I don’t care anymore. I’m done.

… You’ve been listening to Fredictions with your host, Fred Forsythe. The producer was me, Karen Nostrodamus. Seen you next week!

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