Fredictions

Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie, and welcome to my new weekly feature, Fredictions, where I’ll-

Wait, you’re calling it Fredictions?

Yes.

I don’t-

It’s a pun on my name.

Yeah, I-

Fred.

Yes, Fred, I kn-

And on the word predict-

I get it, Freddie. I do. I just think-

What? It’s a great name. It gets across that I’ll be offering visions of the future, and also that my name-

I said I get it, Freddie. I just think… I don’t know, I just think it sounds sorta stupid.

I think you maybe don’t understa-

Like maybe you’ve got a rash or something.

Like maybe I- it’s not Fred Itching!

Sounds like it.

It sounds nothing like it!

Sounds pretty close.

… It sounds-

Sounds like Fred-itchin’s.

But itchin’ doesn’t have the ‘ick’ sound.

As in… like, icky? Because it d-

No, I mean like – FredICtions. Like… to rhyme with ‘friction’. Or, y’know, pred-

Friction also sounds itchy.

-iction.

… like, if you have a rash, it could be caused by fric-

Look, I’m calling it Fredictions. I don’t even know why I’m debating this with you. It’s my show.

Yeah, but as your producer, it’s my job to make sure-

And my wife!

– you don’t sound stupid. I’m your producer first here, Freddie. Try to forget I’m your wife when we’re in this room. I am a professional.

… been trying to forget that for twen-

I beg your pardon?

I just… I think your using the word ‘stupid’ is needlessly harsh.

Twenty years of marriage will do that, Freddie. Smoothes out a lot of the rough edges in the way we communicate. Ok? You ready to go?

Fine. Don’t we have to, like, reset the tape or something?

No, I can just cut this part out. Also we don’t use tapes any more.

I-

You can just start from the top.

Right. Fine. Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie-

Although maybe with less of the attitude?

Because that first part won’t be on the tape? So people won’t get why you’re being so pissy?

… I-

Unless they think you’re pissy about having been lumbered with such a stupid-sounding name for a show, because obviously you wouldn’t have chosen it for yourself because it’s so stupid-sounding.

… Hi, I’m Future-seeing Freddie, and welcome to my new weekly feature, Fredic-

It also sounds like erections.

-tions- what?

Fredictions. Also sounds like erections.

No it-

Sorta.

It doesn’t even-

It has that ‘ick’ sound.

If anything it’s more of an ‘eck’-

Like in friction.

Friction doesn’t-

Like, if you combined ‘friction’ and ‘erection’, you’d get ‘efrection’, which sounds almost exactly like Fredictions.

I-

Especially with the ‘dick’ sound in the middle of it.

Look, can we just record the thing? I thought it was a nice fun name – we can come back and workshop this later, but I’d just like to get the ball rolling.

Ok, fine.

Ok?

Did I just say ok?

Yeah but you said it with this sorta pissy att-

Look, do you want to do the thing or not?

I do… I just… just give me a sec-

Take all the time you need.

Fine. Ok. I mean, thanks. Thank you. … I’m-

Having the ‘dick’ sound in there doesn’t help with the erection thing.

Oh for Christ-

In FreDICKtions.

But-

And also, now you mention it-

I didn’t men-

– you can also sometimes get erections as a result off of friction, so you probably don’t want-

I know how erections work, Karen!

… coulda fooled me.

I- Oh really, this? Now?

I-

While we’re recording?

I just-

You want to bring this up now, while we’re recording? While we’re on the air?

… we’re not act-

I KNOW WE’RE NOT ACTUALLY ON THE AIR, KAREN. I don’t know if you, as a professional, have heard of this thing, in broadcasting, that we use, which is called, and is actually also used in everyday talking to each other, a figure of sp-

Well actually-

-eech- what?

About the thing about not being on air-

Christ, seriously? We’ve been on air the whole time??

Well, no-

Oh thank God.

– I mean I think it’s called ‘streaming’ nowadays.

OH, FOR CHRI- That’s it. I’m done. I can’t-

I mean, honestly, you’d think you would’ve seen this coming.

I’m done, Karen. I don’t w- just go ahead and… what, whatever, I don’t care anymore. I’m done.

… You’ve been listening to Fredictions with your host, Fred Forsythe. The producer was me, Karen Nostrodamus. Seen you next week!

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Chu- Charles. It’s Charles.

So, I guess I’d like it to start with a late rise – like maybe leven, twelve o’clock, if the fuckin birds or the dude with the – Jesus, this fuckin dude, lives across the way, an he’s got one of these like vintage army jeeps that just tears the fuck right through your sleep, engine like a fuckdamn Spitfire or something, every Sunday morning, eight am, motherfucker can’t even… but, yeah, if we’re talking ideal, then leven, twelve o’clock an nothing to get up for, so I’ll just lie awake there an enjoy the mornin an maybe after a while have a good deep scratch at my asshole – so I got like this slight haemmer- heammheroi- I got this piles things is what I’m sayin, an it gets real itchy back there, an of course I’m not always that partickular or refined or dainty bout cuttin my nails, so I can be clawin up a storm down there, an of course that’s gonna lead to some blood – it’s just gonna, there ain’t no way of gettin shy of that fact – but the upside is, the bits with blood, they’re gonna scab over just so, an you can spend a good twenny-five, half-hour, even forty minutes just probin around down there with your pinkie nail, lightly scrapin over an lettin it catch on that crusted little ridge an just gettin in there, leverin it up, like when you were a kid and you got them scab-covered knees and you spent whole afternoons just testin an proddin an seein if they were ready to come up, yaknow? I’m not ashamed to say I’m a little nostalgic, is what I’m sayin. I got what you might call a wholesome fondness for the good old days.

An after that, I might eventually get up, have a really long dump – oh fuck, but I forgot bout my mother! Sunday mornins she goes to church, an of course she ain’t allowed to drive herself no more, she’s been off the roads for a good twenny, thirty years now, so there’s me, up at the crack of dawn, haulin my scratchy ass outta bed to drive over to the home, pick her up, drive her to church, drop her off, go hang at the bar round the corner with my friend Howie who’s just dropped off his mother, or his kids, I don’t know, but that only lasts an hour before it’s back to the church to pick up mom – and of course I’m sposed to be drivin, so it’s not like me an Howie can even get a load on, just two or three quick boilermakers, maybe four if we’re lucky – an then drivin her back to the home and it’s just bitch, bitch, bitch all the way, about any damn thing – it’s always ‘the jews’ or ‘the blacks’ or the ‘the lezbos’ or ‘the faggots’. I mean she’s my mum an everythin but jeez, y’know?

And so then I drop her off an get to do my own thing – an I know, I know, the question was ‘ideal’ an I gotta acknowledge it sounds far from ideal, but she’s my mother, yaknow? I can’t just hang her out to dry, I gotta keep that part of the routine goin’, y’understan? Which, I gotta say, is worth bearin in mind, by an by – somethin you gotta know about me’s that I know a man’s just gotta love his mother. But then afterward, after I’m done with her, I guess just… head out someplace sunny, unbutton my shirt, let my gut hang out an just chill, y’know? I mean I’m by no means a handsome man – I ain’t got no qualms bout tellin you that – but I’m the sorta guy that when folks see me enjoyin my sun, enjoyin myself, sunnin my body, folks’ll look at me an think, ‘see, there’s a methodology of livin I can fully get behind’, yaknow? I appreciate the finer things in life: a hot sun, a cold beer – a cooler of cold beer, if we’re talkin truthful to one another – an just wilin away the time. Livin life.

An then maybe, when it gets a little cooler in the nighttime, we could go back indoors an really get to know each other, know what I’m sayin? Well, course you do – you wouldn’t be lookin here if you wasn’t. We’re all in it together, baby, all lookin for the same thing – just some sweet lovin an a little companionship, gettin sweaty on a hot summer’s night an not lettin it bother you none if the neighbours hear – they’re just jealous. Hell, sometimes give em a little wolf-howl, let em know what it is they’re missin!

So yup, that’s me, an if you wanna call or get together or whatever, or tell me bout your ideal Sunday, then I guess you can call me or – it’s the swipe thing now, right? You gotta do the swipe thing? So then I guess just call me or swipe me left or right or whatever an I guess I’ll just be sittin here, lookin forward to hearin from you soon!